The service, pt. 2
CW: conversion rhetoric
As we leave the building, not much is said between the two of us - just looks of understanding.
We sit in the car. My partner speaks first, which I am grateful for. I listen as he describes his feelings. It hurts to hear. Prior to the service - we’ve had discussions about our own wrestling with scripture and the balance between believing the Word as it is written and believing what we know in our heart to also be right and true - but is that of the world or is that of God? To be presented with the very message we most feared, dreaded, created a strange swirl of confusion and righteous fury within me.
He notices my silence. “What are your thoughts?”, he asks. I feel the lump in my throat grow as I mutter, “I don’t want to speak. I know I will cry. I don’t want to cry.” In this moment, I feel crying is some resignation of sorts - that I let the message effect me. He speaks again, “That’s okay. Let’s be vulnerable in this moment together. I want to cry, too.”
Thoughts swirl again - this time I notice guilt - I knew better. How did I let us get here? I begin to speak through broken voice how sad I was. I felt like I was tricked. I prayed for God to open my heart to this service - knowing I was coming into something new for me. Then, as I allow my guard down, I am met with that?! What? I recognize how unsteady I feel. I stop speaking again. I continue to listen to his thoughts about his emotions - the confusion that reinforced aspects of his spirituality. I want us to become camouflage.
As we continue the drive. He notices my silence again - the blankness on my face. He asks, “What are you feeling? Can you speak to it?”
This time, it’s as if despair and resilience are trying to collide together - a battle for my heart. This time no words. Just breathing. Just tears. Jaw clinched.
He takes my hand. Holding it tightly I feel a renewed conviction - a renewed affirmation of the identity I have worked so hard to love
In broken sentences, the words flow. Shifting from confusion to determination. “I am not confused. I have hated myself enough for one lifetime to allow myself to go back there [emotionally]. I won’t do it. I cannot do it. This is not my God - His love is too deep for this.”
Suddenly more pieces of the messages conflicting ideals come forward. I start to see the hypocrisy through their conviction. As I speak, I notice the shakiness leave me voice. The “I thinks” fade. As he holds my hand, I state my affirmation. “The God I have grown to know, is one of love, of guidance and healing, of conviction to love the word has HE loves HIS creation. I am not confused. I have loved this world with my heart. I have worked to create moments of empowerment and encouragement for those around me. I have fought when injustice presents itself. I love my family, friends. I love you. No. I have experienced the darkness that comes from going against what I believe to be God’s plan for me. If what I have worked to create around me is wrong - then I guess I am confused as to what misery I am expected to live in?”
The shakiness leaves my body. Suddenly, I feel the warmth of the sun. It hits my chest. Calmness. I am in a car. I am feeling warmth. He is holding my hand. I am safe. I am loved.
Healing emotional scars from our past is a wild experience because the memory of them doesn’t disappear. We think of healing as being a “A to B” destination. But in healing we are creating a process of coping - knowing that these memories may come back, these experiences may present themselves again. It does not mean we failed at healing - it means we are a human. It is an opportunity to revisit our past - what have I not processed - what is this brining up for me again? How is this different?
I am grateful to have had my partner there. I am sad for the experience - but thankful to have had someone I deeply trust to hold this space with me, to walk through the wilderness with me as we continue to discover God’s plan together. My heart breaks, though, knowing that there are going to be people in that institution that will absorb these messages and begin crafting an identity of shame that will isolate them from the world and the love that is possible for them. My heart breaks for those that we have already lost. The Church is called for more than this - I believe.
If someone hasn’t told you, let me be the first to say that you are loved.
Multiple studies have linked one’s level of religiosity to one’s negative views of non-heterosexual identity (Anderson & Koc, 2015; Trevino et al., 2012; Sarac, 2015; Gilad & Stepanova, 2015). For religious sexual minorities, or, those raised in religious homes, religiously-driven anti-LGBT attitudes can result in conflicted internal identities which result in poorer mental health and self-perception (Wright & Stern, 2016) and higher rates of suicidal ideation (Gibbs & Goldbach, 2015). Understanding in what ways religious beliefs can negatively impact well-being is an important step in finding resolution between them.
Six types of religious and spiritual (R/S) abuse:
(a) leadership representing God – entails leading speaking the literal words of a deity. LGBT ind. may feel that because their religion or their leaders denounce homosexuality, their deity denounces homosexuality and, in turn, LGBT individuals (Ward, 2011).
(b) spiritual bullying - religious leaders or religious peers who actively bully or harass individuals to conform to the R/S community (Ward, 2011). For example, this could occur when a leader threatens to “out” the LGBT individual to the community if they do not attend reparative therapy; which you and I know is unsuccessful.
(c) acceptance via performance -refers to a need for individuals to perform in R/S desirable ways because they fear retribution by their religious leaders and R/S community (Ward, 2011).
(d) spiritual neglect - leaders or members of an R/S community neglecting individuals when they are in emotional or physical pain (Ward, 2011). For example, an LGBT individual experiences depressive symptoms when attempting to integrate a sexual identity and an R/S identity, and members of his or her religious community disregard the depressive symptoms, which they view as a consequence of not following religious teachings.
(e) expanding external and internal tension – happens when individuals cannot express their individuality because of their strong R/S group identity (Forsyth, 2010; Ward, 2011).
(f) manifestation of internal states – involves physical and psychological repercussions of experiences of R/S abuse (Ward, 2011). LGBT individuals may express symptoms of stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideations in relation to their religious experiences (Shelton & Delgado-Romero, 2011; Super & Jacobson, 2011).
If you are working to integrate your religious identity with your sexual/gender identity, I have found the GRACE model to be very helpful. This process, like many healing processes, is continual. You may feel confident in your identities and then be presented with conflicting messages from family, friends, faith leaders, etc. In those moments, take time to step aside and work through the GRACE model again, noting what needs to change, or stay the same, for your spiritual, emotional, and physical safety.
Goals – in this phase, the individual discusses what they want out of their spiritual life and how they would like to enhance it or change it. Reflect on your religious history and learn about the your religion of origin and any feelings that you have about that religion.
Renewal of Hope – address feelings of shame or rejection that were identified during the Goals phase. Offer new interpretations and use these as a means of recognizing that other opinions exist on sexual orientation and sexual minorities within different religions and communities of faith - that are still rooted in the Word.
Action – You are presented with three options: remain, renew, or create.
If you remain, you stay in their current spiritual situation at your current spiritual institution, and make no change in your spiritual life other than finding means of copping in your current situation.
If you choose to renew, you make some changes within your current spiritual situation. For example, you may choose to remain in the same denomination but choose a different church.
If you decide to create, you try on a completely new form of spirituality from what they were previously ascribing to - perhaps that is a different denomination.
Connection – Focus on your internal conflict.. THIS TAKES TIME! A address how your sexuality and/or gender identity blends with your spirituality.
Empowerment – Meet with a trusted peer after you have attended a service at your new spiritual institution and process the experience with them. This stage will encourage you to give up on integrating your spiritual and sexual identities, if you wish to continue to pursue it.
Additional Resources:
Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family - Garrard Conley
Bible, Gender, & Sexuality: Reframing the Churches Debate on Same-Sex Relationships - James V. Brownson
Embracing the Journey: A Christian Parent’s Blueprint to Loving Your LGBTQ Child - Greg and Lynn McDonald
Transforming: The Bible & the Lives of Transgender Christians - Austen Hartke
Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate - Justin Lee
